157. Olivia
For years, the only feelings I’ve had were those of guilt and remorse over what I did to Camila. Whatever was done to me in the clinic made me numb. Combined with the drugs and the alcohol, I was like a living corpse. I ate and drank, talked when allowed, but I was dead inside.
When I decided to help Rueben, I didn’t think that small act would open the gates to every f u c k i n g feeling out there. Love, hate, compassion, grief, disgust, anger, longing, loneliness, sadness, shame-everything hit me at once, making it so hard to think and breathe.
I thought I didn’t need anyone in my life, that a hug or kind words were only ways to manipulate me, but I was wrong. The only person who has shown me kindness in years turned his back on me the moment he learned I couldn’t have
children.
What did Jasper expect? That we could play the happy family and have children together? Rueben and Tyson would rather torture me to death than contemplate the idea of having anything to do with me.
“Take a deep breath,” Maddox instructs me as he places the stethoscope between my ti t s.
I do as asked and I end up coughing. My lungs feel like they are on fire. Maybe Maddox will finally give me some good news and tell me I have only a few days left to live. A girl can only hope. But hoping is just bullsh i t. Once I had hopes and dreams and he ended up smashing all of them. The day he broke my heart, I promised myself never to think of him as the one I gave my entire heart to. That day, I erased his name from my memory, his face a blur. It doesn’t help that he is one of Jasper’s blood-brothers, but I feel relieved he didn’t mention anything about our past. Besides, what I once felt for him is gone. He is Camila’s brother and nothing more.
Once, he had been everything to me, now he is only my tormentor.
Maddox finished listening to my lungs. “You can put your shirt back on,” he says before turning his attention to Jasper. “She is healing fast. At this rate, she will be fine in a week or two.”
The shirt is pooled around my waist and I pull it around my shoulders.
“Good. How about Ansel?”
Jasper’s voice sounds different from before. Funny how I can now spot the difference. I need to find a way to numb my feelings once more, or else I will go insane.
Maddox puts his stethoscope in his bag. “I took out the bullet and gave him a few stitches. He will be sore for a few days, but the bullet didn’t hit any or g a ns .” Grabbing his bag, he goes to Jasper. “Let me show you how the heart monitor works.”
my
Jasper and Maddox leave and I lay in bed, trying to sort out motions. There are so many of them… I feel so
overwhelmed that I am paralyzed. I don’t think I can live like this. There is so much pain inside of me, I s o b into my pillow. I don’t want anyone to hear me. Especially Jasper. He will probably barge in and sweep me into his arms and kiss me…. I can’t allow that to happen, not when I am so vulnerable.
When he left me, calling me every name under the sun, I put a wall around my heart. If I am not careful, Jasper will break it. But… he left the moment he learned I am barren. I don’t have to worry about him anymore.
157 Olivia
1 cry until 1 pass out from exhaustion but I wake up due to nightmares.
The room is dark, letting me know it’s dinner time. Jasper, who always makes sure I eat, drink or take my meds, hasn’t even bothered to check up on me. Maybe he will forget all about me and I will starve to death. I think dehydration will kill me faster.
Loud voices and laughter can be heard in the living room, letting me know the guys are having a f u c k i n g amazing time, while I am drowning in my own pity.
I lay in bed, listening to the guys becoming louder and louder, while the pain in my soul becomes more and more unbearable. When I can’t take it anymore, I drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom. Since I tried to cut open
y wrists, Jasper has removed any objects that I can use to harm myself.
1 return to bed and pray to G o d to end my suffering. As always, my prayers are met with silence.
Hours later, the house finally falls silent. Jasper doesn’t come to the bedroom and I know I am going to spend the night utterly alone. Even Miss Teapot abandoned me when Maddox came to check up on me. It doesn’t matter. Loneliness has been my companion for a long time. Just because Jasper slept in the same bed as me, it doesn’t mean anything. He probably wants things I can’t give him.
I am here only to make some sex tapes, then maybe Rueben will give me what I most want. Or he will return me to Jason so I can get high and drunk and forget everything.
The night passes agonizingly slow and the morning is as lively as the night. The following days, as well. It seems like all of them have moved into this house. I try to ignore them just as they are doing, putting a pillow over my ears, not wanting to listen to their conversations.
The few times I leave the room, I find trays of food in front of the door. I take them in, throw the food in the WC, or if Diva is around, give it to her. The medicine is discarded as well. I only drink the juice because I can’t stand a dry throat..
Jasper still doesn’t come to see how I am. He is like all the other men who seek women only when they want to f u c k. Sure, Jasper never wanted to f u c k me but the moment he learned I was damaged goods, he discarded me just like everyone before him. I didn’t expect anything different; while I knew it would happen, it still hurts. Maybe because I was slowly getting used to him. He had given me a glimmer of hope and I didn’t recognize it till it was ripped away without a word. Now I know better.