159. Olivia
I don’t wanna wake up.
Ansel turns on the lights around the mirror Jasper replaced the one I broke with an unbreakable one-and carefully inspects my Egers. It is clear he is unhappy that I cut myself. Or that he finds some shards stuck in the pads of my fingers. He pulls them out.
After days of being ignored, his reaction makes no sense to me.
Wanting to know more about Jason, I ask, “Why do you think my brother is attacking the farm?”
“A few nights ago, he left the carcas s of a dead animal in the pasture with a note. It’s been snowing for several days, and we didn’t see when he snuck onto our property.”
I shouldn’t ask, yet…. “What did the note say?”
“If we don’t hand you over, he will kill our horses.” He snorts. “If he touches any of our animals or you, he is a dead man. He is dead as we are speaking but he doesn’t know it yet. Jasper went nuts. Mose went to the restaurant today to give instructions to his employees. He is taking time off until we deal with Jason.” After he finishes inspecting my fingers, he helps me wash the blood off of me. “You shouldn’t have cleaned the shards with your hands. In fact, you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. If Rueben wanted to eat, he could have moved his as s to the kitchen.”
I need to find Jason before things escalate. “I got bored. And I don’t mind helping. Besides, Rueben is hurt.”
Not entirely a lie. When living with Jason, I had my radio and TV to distract myself when the voices in my head became too loud. But for the past few days, it had been only my thoughts and me. The guys being loud while in the house had been a help, but without my drugs to keep my mind and soul numb, every passing second was and is a living hell.
“So are you,” Ansel points out.
“I’ve endured far worse,” I say.
Ansel clenches his jaw. “Let’s get you clean and bandaged. Mose will take a look at your arm when he returns home.” He turns off the shower. From the other room, Rueben yells for Ansel-who ignores him. “The first aid kit is in the
kitchen.”
We get out of the bathroom and I suddenly get dizzy. It can be the lack of food combined with the loss of blood. I press my hand against the wall, my fingers leaving stains of blood on it.
“I am sorry,” I whisper as I get even dizzier and am about to fall.
Ansel grabs me and lifts me up in his arms before I hit the floor. “Woah. Are you alright?” I shake my head. “Change of plans. You will stay here while I quickly go to the kitchen.” He puts me on the bed and kisses me. “You taste like alcohol. Have you been drinking?”
“No,” I try to deny it.
159 Olivia
“Jasper won’t be happy with you. Neither am I. We will talk about this later.”
I slowly nod my head.
If Ansel and Jasper are as vicious as Tyson and Rueben, I won’t need to worry about finding a way back to Jason. What if they break my legs and leave me to agonize like that for weeks? I shudder. It is hard to walk around with broken toes. I mortiv hobble my way around the house. But having my legs broken? I would rather take my chances and run away from here. Jason might beat me and w h o r e me around, but at least he gives me drugs.
Ansel goes to the kitchen, leaving the door open and I can hear Rueben cursing me out. The door to his room is also open because I left it like that.
“I can’t believe you give more importance to the Diseased C u n t than to your blood-brother,” Rueben complains. “She f u c k i n g killed Camila!”
In the kitchen, cupboards are being opened and closed. “I know,” Ansel says. “I was by your side when we buried her.”
Rueben gets even more angry. “If you are so desperate to get your dic k wet, go to the Blood Lodge. There are plenty of pornai to choose from.”
Ansel returns to the room with the first aid kit and a soda can. After putting the kit on the bed beside me, he pops open the soda and helps me drink from it since my hands are trembling. The sugar hits me also immediately, helping me with my dizziness.
“Why go to the Blood Lodge when we have Olivia?” Ansel finally replies.
“Have you seen what her cun t looks like?” Rueben questions Ansel. “There is no way you won’t end up with an STD.
Or worse.”
Does he think I am poisonous? Maybe radioactive?
Ansel removes the towel from my arm. “You might need stitches. I will only clean your wound and put on a bandage for you. Does it hurt?”
“A little.” I say.
He puts Betadine on my cuts before bandaging my arm and putting bandaids on my fingers while talking to Rueben.
That’s why Maddox took some blood samples from Olivia.” He did? I don’t remember him doing that. Maybe it happened when I was in and out of conscience. “The results should be ready in a few days. The only thing we need to worry about is getting her pregnant.” In a low voice, he tells me, “Not that I would mind knocking you up. Several. Times,” and winks at me.
First Jasper. Now Ansel.
I have never encountered men who are so eager to get a woman pregnant. When Carlos trained me to be a sex sl a v e he mentioned that when a woman gets pregnant, men lose all interest in her, as her Body Gets Ruined.
I didn’t believe him, not in the beginning at least, but when many married Dukes started visiting me and
complimenting my body and telling me how tight my pus s y was, I knew Carlos was right about men losing interest in their wives after they gave birth.
159 Olivia
So why does Ansel seem happy when talking about getting me pregnant?
Knowing he will abandon me just like Jasper, I still tell him, “I can’t have children.”
Rueben probably hears me because my ears start to ring when he yells, “Good! The only thing that will come out of you is a spawn of the devil. Evil and twisted just like you.”
1 feci like I am gut-punched so hard I can’t breathe. I jerk my gaze to the window and watch how the snow is falling
Ansel goes to the door and there is an exchange between him and Rueben but the ringing in my ears is so loud I can’t hear what they are saying. I try to focus on the pain inside of me as it feels like my heart is being shredded apart.
After closing the door and putting the first aid kit and soda can on the table, Ansel sits on the bed and pulls me into his lap. I bury my face in his chest as I try to gain my composure. “I got you,” he says as he strokes my hair. “I got
you,” he repeats.
No one has my back. I am all alone. Ansel keeps talking, but I no longer hear him.
Rueben was right. I should have put that pistol to my temple and killed myself instead of Camila. Then I wouldn’t have to be here and suffer like this.
How much longer must I endure this hell I put myself into?
I don’t even remember how many times I implored to forgive me, but there is no redemption for me.
Ansel has me lay in bed and cuddles with me, his arm under my head, spooning me. My face is to the window and I watch the snow. Ansel whispers something into my car but I still can’t hear him. My thoughts are miles away from here, in that orchard where, for a time, I had been the happiest girl alive. When did everything between him and me change? I never learned why he first started hating me. It wasn’t about Camila. That came later. He became cold with me soon after Camila and I started learning more about hellstars. Even when I begged him to tell me what was wrong. he wouldn’t. Did he know what Camila and I were doing?
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